Ah Jung: this is a vastly improved version of your paper, in contrast to previous incarnations; it's now much more readable and the argument is legible through the style. However, since we spent so much time getting it to this point, it still has quite a few argumentative issues, as I've noted: though you broadcast the various aspects of the issues you want to discuss at the beginning, there's little that binds them together, and little attention to making them synch up in meaningful ways. The language that you use to prove each point is adequate, but not compelling—it feels like you're just trying to "get through" it, which is an attitude that you'll probably pass on to your reader. On the whole, I would say that the paper seems competent, but unmotivated—technically correct, but without much binding / motive force. If you want more in-depth help to make your future writing more powerful and "snappy," I'd be happy to meet with you. 82/100
Ah Jung's First Final Draft / Discussion
This is the discussion related to the wiki page Ah Jung's First Final Draft.